Heard the term “pick me boy” and curious what it means?
Or, wondering if you’re a pick me boy yourself?
I have answers for you!
Let's dive in 🪂
A "pick me" can be either male or female, but their approaches are slightly different.
A "pick me girl" will do anything for male attention, but a “pick me boy” is a guy who uses self-deprecation to seek approval from women.
A pick me boy calls out his perceived weaknesses or differences, with the goal of obtaining emotional stroking from women he likes 😙
For example, a pick me boy might say something to a woman like:
"I don’t date much because women don’t find me handsome…"
Hoping that the woman would respond:
"I think you’re handsome, let’s date!!"
Here’s a YouTube video that illustrates dozens of classic pick me boy lines and behaviors in case you want more examples.
Anyway, pick me boy behavior doesn’t always manifest through self-deprecation.
Pick me boys may also try to get attention by drawing comparisons that put other men down.
For example:
"That guy is a player who screws women over. I’m not a player, which is why I don’t get as many dates…"
Here are key elements that comprise a pick me boy’s personality and life outlook:
Wondering how to tell if you’re a pick me boy?
Here’s a quick test. You’re a pick me boy if:
Before we go any further, one key callout:
Being a pick me boy isn’t inherently a bad thing.
Many great guys are pick me boys, and I don't mean this as an insult!
Often pick me boy behaviors come from a genuinely good place emotionally 🙂
Being a pick me boy just means that you market yourself in a specific way that women often perceive negatively in romantic contexts (as we’ll discuss below).
Candidly, most women don’t find pick me boy behaviors attractive 😬
Don’t just take my word for it, watch this TikTok model's reaction to pick me boys if you don’t believe me.
Why are pick me boy behaviors a turn-off?
There are several reasons...
First, pick me boys are self-centered.
Pick me behavior fixates on their personal dating woes, and constantly call attention to what makes them different - but this can come off as guilt tripping, or emotional manipulation.
This means they focus a lot of energy on themselves 😅
This self-centeredness can be unattractive in itself. But more important, it typically comes at the steep cost of failing to create strong and authentic connections with women.
Think about it 🤔
If you’re spending time with a woman, and your mind gravitates toward yourself or other men...
These thoughts come at the expense of enjoying a present moment with your date 😦
Second, pick me boys tend to be needy.
The psychology underlying pick me boy behaviors boils down to:
"I’m different, will you like me please?"
Any time a man seeks validation from a woman this way, he’s indirectly signaling that he craves her approval.
This means:
These are textbook needy behaviors, and nothing turns women off like neediness.
Third, pick me boy behaviors are a poor way to differentiate yourself.
If you genuinely believe you’re different from other men, and you have good qualities that women overlook...
There are better and worse ways of marketing this:
In general, it’s better to "show" (not "tell") a woman that you're an awesome partner, and this is where pick me boys tend to stumble.
Want to stop being a pick me boy?
Here are three strategies that can help.
As we discussed previously:
The fastest way to stop drawing comparisons is to think less about other men.
Here are some strategies to help:
Pick me boys usually have tragic, “nice guys finish last” attitudes toward the personality traits they inwardly admire about themselves.
For example:
To stop doing this, simply flip the script.
Literally practice embracing the personal qualities you fear hold you back:
Pick me boys tend to beat around the bush:
The easiest solve here is to stop hiding, and surface your desires out in the open.
For example:
I'm aware this is easier said than done.
If you're having trouble, check out my free guide on how to tell a girl you like her.
Just remember, hoping she will organically realize that you’re an awesome partner is a recipe for disaster 👨🍳
Why?
Women like men who aren’t afraid to ask for what they want!
Let’s recap quickly. Today we covered:
I hope you had fun reading, and learned something new!
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